Updated: Sep 24, 2021
"Let's face it, we're all addicts in some way - right?"
If I look at anyone I know, pick any demographic across literally every section of society we all have a 'thing'. Something that we indulge in more so than others and if we're honest with ourselves more than others would deem necessary or appropriate for themselves or us. For most of us our 'thing', weakness, addiction whatever isn't that bad, it's not going to kill us it's not going to destroy our lives or the lives of those we love - right?! No, it's just our thing, our crutch, maybe our dirty little secret.
For myself and millions of others like me all over the world, this isn't the case.
FOR I AM A DRUG ADDICT. A junkie, a cat, a feend. Basically a blot on society. A strain on our resources and the civil servants of whom you good tax-paying members of society employ to serve and protect us against well the likes of me I guess!
It's taken me a couple of years short of three decades in active addiction to work this shit out but what I now know to be true is that for most of us we are either kidding ourselves or lying our arses off that we don't have a fix. Substance abuse is a tiny percentage of what most fixate on, for some its money others its control, work, the gym, what I'm getting at here, and in a moment ill drop it and not mention it again is that It's not the fact that I'm trying to find some justification for my addiction simply that we are all in our own way in the same boat.
Hooked on(drug b) heroin and (drug a) crack cocaine
So its February 2021, what's different? Well I am pretty sure I can say with confidence that I know myself well enough now at 41 to know when I'm lying to myself and when I'm being straight up. I base this solely on one single performance in my life and that was overcoming a similar situation of beating addiction.
In October 2019 I was street homeless 'again'.... I'll come back to that bit, and I made a decision to quit alcohol after 20 years of progressive alcoholism - starting with a few pints of beer a night at age 18 ending in 2 bottles of Vodka a day and all the best bits that go with that such as shaking uncontrollably before getting a drink each morning etc. Now how do I know I was ready to stop? Well 2 years prior to that I'd been found in a local park early in the morning by a lady walking her dog who assumed I'd been stabbed in the stomach as I lay covered in blood from the knees to the chest only as I came in and out of consciousness in the ambulance they could find no wounds, what had actually happened was that my bladder had split inside me and blood was pouring from my front (penis) and rear (rectum). I apparently died 3 times in the ambulance and hospital A&E, not saying there lying about it but hey I wasn't all there at the time so I'll have to take their word for it. Then spent 3 weeks in ICU and then 10 weeks recovering in that same hospital only to be discharged and go straight to the store and buy a bottle of vodka. This is while I had tubes from my bladder and liver filling bags still attached to my person. WHO DOES THAT? I'll tell you who, the hopeless alcoholic that's who! During the following year I would combat acute pancreatitis leading to chronic pancreatitis all induced by alcohol and while I would be in absolute agony it was more important to me to find that drink than anything else. My point here is that if death, illness and intense pain doesn't make you want to stop then what the hell will. OK so back to my point, after being hospitalised again later that year due to some idiots leaving the local pub finding me sleeping on my favourite park bench and one of them kicking me in the head so hard while I slept that my lower jaw detached (some people just can't handle their drink) what happened to the quy who kicked me I decided I'd had enough!!! WEIRD. I can burst inside, die, lose my children, family, partner, get kicked in the head while asleep, be homeless, shake uncontrollably daily but none of that could make me want to stop, so what had changed? Why now? All I can say is that for the first time in my life I knew it was over, I was ready to not be drunk anymore! I spent the next few months back and forth to my local substance abuse centre and I did everything necessary to get accepted into a residential rehab centre and in October 19 off I went. February 21 and I'm still sober. Now I know that there were a few things that I can say that got me to that point, to make that change permanent. Nothing to do with me, my health or lifestyle sadly no. But that feeling, that internal assurance, complete certainty is back again. So yes I know I am embarking on an epic journey of change once again. (Oh you may ask if I was in a residential rehab centre why on earth did I not combat the drug addiction at the same time as the alcohol?! One thing at a time was my theory I guess, slowly slowly catchy monkey.)